I have been here for almost three weeks and it is official, Bali has captured my heart. Every day, I fall deeper in love. Time feels different in Bali. A new friend said that Bali is a feeling.. I get what she means now. Bali invites you to be in flow with yourself and the world around you, because the people live in balance and harmony in their relationship with Nature, Community and Spirit. This way of living is woven into the fabric of their culture, which exudes a feeling of peace and contentment that is evident in their genuine happiness. There is a deep respect that comes from this way of living. A feeling of safety and kindness that is felt in the smiles and warmth of the people who live here.

I have been traveling with my family for almost a week now post retreat, and as I sit here in the quiet village of Sideman I have some space to reflect and share. The beauty and gentleness of Bali was the perfect space to hold a grief retreat. From the moment we were welcomed at Soulshine and invited to set an intention, the container was created for deep work to take place. Over the week, I witnessed my group deepen in their vulnerability, fall in love with themselves and each other and grow in their clarity and courage. This only happens when people feel safe and held. The energy here is big. Soulshine and the beautiful people who work there held us in our grief and our love so we could do the big work of self discovery and letting go.

It is hard to encapsulate the depths of what happened on this retreat, but there is one experience that was divinely timed and stands out the most. It was on the itinerary to take the group to the Mengening Water Temple on the third day of the retreat, but at the end of circle on day two I felt clear that we needed another day in the yoga shala before venturing into Ubud. Soulshine easily accommodated the schedule change. Everything was in flow. The next day, June 5th, also happened to be Noah’s 17th birthday. Chills ran through my body with anticipation of this auspicious change of plans. When the day arrived, the group was ready.

The power of our retreat was taken to a whole new level at the Water Temple.

The day before, we had explored the theme Self Love and Acceptance and worked with the mantra “I am Enough,” which primed the group for the purification ritual we were about to experience. When we arrived, there was a feeling of awe and anticipation. Noah’s presence gradually grew as we walked through the lush, fragrant and sacred temple. The Mengenging Water Temple was built into the jungle with natural springs coming out of the earth into pools made with intention and prayer. First, we learned to empty our minds and drop into our hearts through meditation and open to an intention of what we were wanting to let go of. Then, we made offerings and were guided into several different pools. One at a time, we walked into the springs and allowed the holy springs to wash over us, cleansing us, receiving our prayers to help us let go.

In the springs, I felt Noah everywhere. Since I had been in Bali I kept looking for a feeling of him. I kept looking for my grief or something familiar from the past. What I had felt instead was my daughter, Hannah, who was conceived in Bali 16 years ago. However, in the springs at this holy place, the world fell away and Noah and I were together again. I felt him as a 17 year old teenager. I felt him as a baby. I felt him as an eternal being with warm, knowing eyes and a tender heart. I felt him as a reflection of myself, illuminating my love, my compassion for others and ability to hold space for pain. I felt him in the trees, the birds, the flower, the air itself. When I let the water pour over my head, I was surprised at what I felt washing away. It wasn’t my grief. It wasn’t Noah that I was letting go of. It was my worry. My fear of losing again.

As I prayed and sobbed and let the water take away my fear, I realized how much I have worried about my own health and the safety and welfare of my daughters and husband. My nervous system has been on high alert since Noah’s death and as I sat with the reality that I have been holding my breath for 17 years living in terror that I could lose someone else that I loved that much, I felt overwhelming compassion for myself. With loving awareness of my own suffering, my fear began to melt and I felt my body soften and open. A burden loosened in the springs and out of the constriction a feeling of trust began to emerge.

I was not the only one in the group who experienced healing at the water temple. As the group settled back in at home, there was a shift, a palpable feeling of openness and courage among the group. In our circle the next morning, I witnessed every single person have a breakthrough moment. My tears flowed easily as each person shared. The connection among us had been solidified and personal insight and awareness flourished. As a teacher, this was a peak teaching experience for me. In some ways, I could have left the retreat after that day and the group would have continued to go through the process and do the work on their own. The container was so strong that compassion flowed and the group held each other. That is the magic of creating a space of acceptance where everyone belongs. Our grief had opened us. Our love bonded us together. Bali held us in the energy of devotion and kindness.

The rest of the retreat went by in a blink. By the time we arrived on the final day though, I felt complete. We gathered in the Sky Shala for our closing ritual and fire ceremony with a flower mandala in the center. I won’t share the details of what transpired in our sacred circle, because some things are not meant to be shared. However, I will say that I left that evening feeling content and at peace. After dinner, the group went for an evening swim. I listened to their laughter as I went back to my room to pack and enjoy some well deserved time alone.

It’s been almost a week since the retreat ended, and the group is still texting daily on Whatsapp and supporting each other through reentry back at home. We came together as total strangers - different ages, living in different parts of the country and all grieving different kinds of losses. Within a week, we became a family.

We are forever connected by our time in Bali. With the Mindful Grieving Curriculum as our guidepost, we witnessed each other, meditated together, practiced yoga and all the moments in between sharing meals, soaking in the pools or laughing together down the waterslide! What I will remember the most though is the feeling of authentic connection in our circle and the people who cared for us while we were there.

Soulshine is a very special place. When they say,” Welcome Home”, each time you come into the reception area (the Living Room as they call it), they mean it and you know you have come home. Thank you Michael and Sara Franti for creating a sanctuary for us to land and experience the big love and healing that is Bali.

I can finally feel Noah close to me. He comes to me in these moments of insight and wisdom. He comes to me as a gentle tap on the shoulder reminding me to trust in life and to share my love.

Going to the Water Temple was the perfect way to honor my son. Purifying myself, letting go of the grief that I have carried with me all these years that I am ready to wash away and be free of. This is what I came to Bali to do. I am not sure if this process has an endpoint, but layer by layer, I am healing and finding peace in supporting others to do the same.

Big Love,