A beautiful aspect of grieving that no one talks about is that it opens you to cultivating deeper connections, empathy, and authentic relationships in your life.

A dear friend said to me on a hike today that it seems like people's suffering is what leads to wisdom. I think this is so true because pain is what pushes you to look deeper within yourself and to make a change, mostly because it is too painful to stay where you are. As a result, you evolve. You grow. You expand your perspective, belief systems, and sometimes the self-limiting beliefs that keep you separate from life and stuck in feeling small.

This may sound counter-intuitive because of the gut-wrenching and painful nature of loss, however as grief cracks you open it also expands your heart, causing you to feel more of everything. This can be a gift if you have personal boundaries and a safe community to hold you in the open, vulnerable space of grief.

When you are grieving, your armor has a chance to come down, the veil between your physical world and the spirit world becomes very thin, and as a result, you become more porous, connected, and with the right kind of support, more aware.

In some ways, grief wakes you up! The unconscious parts of yourselves all of a sudden come online. You become more attuned to the suffering of others. All of your own emotions as well as the people around you become intensified. The pain of the world. Appreciation for the beauty around you. A sense of gratitude for the blessings in your life.

There is almost a superpower that you inherit when you are in the raw, open space of grief, that can make you feel so present, connected to others, and alive! However, there is a shadow side to this superpower if you do not create energetic and emotional boundaries to protect yourself. The shadow of the openhearted, empathic, and connected nature of grieving is that you can unintentionally take on other people’s emotions and feel them as your own.

You may feel this in all phases of grieving, especially when your loss is acute. This is why it is so important to cultivate boundaries of protection that do not cut you off from others, but rather support you to feel deeply without taking on the burden of someone else’s suffering.

A friend and student of mine refers to this boundary as a cloak that she wears when grieving in community. She calls it a cloak, instead of a shield. A cloak will protect you. A shield will keep you from feeling. There is a difference, and I love the image that she uses of a beautiful cloak that you drape around you so that you can be fully present with another person in their pain but know that you have a layer between you and them. A soft, gentle boundary that will keep you safe.

If you are grieving and find yourself wanting to be in a deeper connection to others who are grieving but feel unsure how to listen and support another without it harming yourself, here are a few basic guidelines you can follow to support and protect yourself from taking someone else’s grief as your own.

Put a bubble around yourself - Create an energetic bubble around yourself. This may sound corny or new-agey, but we work the image of a bubble because it allows you to feel what is being shared so that it can enter into your field without it penetrating. You can feel it. You can be present with another person’s pain, joy, or whatever emotion they are expressing, yet you have an energetic boundary (a bubble) around yourself so that you do not bring their emotions into your own body. Especially when you are in the porous, open state of grieving, this bubble is the necessary boundary to be able to sit with another person in their pain without harming yourself.
Ground yourself first - Before you sit with others who are grieving, it is important to become grounded, centered, and connected to yourself and the earth. When you are grounded, the energy of someone else’s pain has a place to go as it moves through you. When you are connected within yourself, then you have the ability to separate out what is yours and what is someone else’s. This keeps the waters from becoming muddied and from overidentifying with someone else’s story or pain.
Empower others to grow through their grief - What has helped me the most to not take on other people’s pain is the understanding that you are not helping them by taking on their grief or trying to shoulder it for them.

Although it is well-intentioned, when you try to carry the burden of another person’s pain you are actually robbing them of the opportunity to learn and grow through their hardship. With this awareness, you can support a loved one to have their big feelings, to listen and hold their hand through the process, but also allow for it to be their journey with all of the feelings that come with it. Our pain is a necessary part of our growth, so we can be of service to others by holding a boundary, allowing them to have their experience, and offering our presence, compassion, and support along the way.

There is so much power and healing that comes from grieving with others and having a safe container to share, listen and grow in community! The vulnerability, authenticity, and connection that is cultivated in the depths of the shared experiences of loss can be life-changing and serve as a balm for your broken heart.

I have witnessed this in the hundreds of circles that I have sat in over the years, both as a griever and facilitator and I have learned again and again that it is essential to have boundaries to keep myself safe. I wouldn’t be able to do this work without it. I wouldn’t be able to show up in my most valued friendships, my marriage, and even my parenting without a clear understanding of where my energy ends and another begins.

With boundaries, my open heart can soar and I can love others and feel life to its depths without becoming depleted. In this practice, I can be filled up by someone else’s sharing. Their experience gives to me rather than takes from me, which is sustainable and allows me to stay open, to love so big, and to keep my energy flowing through me.